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..looking at the first picture I posted, made me cry.. I miss him.. I miss my safest place..

Dad had 6 of his teeth pulled out. OUCH. and now he's like a baby, to my mom atleast.

My youngest brother whom I call "Bab", short for baby baboy, told best bud that he was looking for work to save up for Christmas gives. I was..mad. Why didn't he tell me instead?? I'm like.. I was the one who practically raised him!! An he's keeping secrets to me na. Now I just yelled at bestbud and he's trying to look for MadTV videos to calm me down. As I'm doing this entry.

What will you do if someone tells you: Your mom was in escort service.

I passed by the kitchen and the maid was watching ShowTime. I did not recognize Keana Reeves. I was like, si keana na yan?? And it got me thinking that the woman deserves admiration. Judging from what she's been through, she's pretty tough and an epitome of character. Well, yes she slipped and did some shitty things pero I can't blame her. People will always find the easiest way to survive, specially if they are also responsible for feeding thier loved ones. So there, I wanna give her credit for being brave and facing the public inspite of her mistakes before. I'm sure alot of people will raise eyebrows on her. A lot of people don't understand and are self-righteous enough to condemn her, but to me, she's just being realistic. I mean, wouldn't you use the only asset you have to your advantage? Models got their heights, singers their voices, agents their brains (nyahaha!), so she used her, uh, scientifically enhanced body. And I've heard some say that she did a great jod at PBB before, being so so true and sincere. She also changed her ways, after given an opportunity. I wish more of us will be like that. I'm glad to meet people here who are showing their true colors. Though somehow, I hope we all don't have to hide in here, someday, we can just show the world who we are and not be afraid, of their judging looks, their stupid narrow minds and one way impressions.

Morality. Good conduct. If a poor, illiterate girl sells her body to feed her family, is she immoral? But isn't it for a good cause? Society will tag her as pokpok. But when a society-page, elitista girl, sleeps with different guys every night, she's just seen as sexually active and liberated. Where's morality? See what society creates? And now, there's us. This population, who would rather change names and settle for friends without faces, because atleast in here, we don't have to hide our emotions, our truest self. We won't be afraid to speak up. Our secrecy is our freedom. 

Wow. All these because of cosmetic surgery. tsk. (makes sense?)

tsk tsk. didn't realize how stupid and careless i've been til i checked my gallery. whew. hope it's not too late.

i don't remember doing a story board or writing a script about my life and find out one day that i'll be watching it in the theatres. and all of you will hate me but not as much as i hate the idea that sunk in (thanks to my best bud) after the scene where jacob was asking bella not to join edward and bella answered "it's him. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN HIM." right before my very eyes, there it was, the cold-hard-brutal truth..best bud is the werewolf and fiance is the vampire. and bestbud was so happy believing he was the vampire, he stated "the leech met her first right?" WRONG. technically, the dog met her first, as they have known each other long before because of their dads. and..it's always been Machan..my Machan..my own Edward. and yes, I will marry him. without any conditions. i just hope we would make up our minds about that..

from now on, i'll keep my mouth shut (meaning: refrain from posting comments that will initiate unwanted exchanging of words) and will just settle for minding my own business, and other girls'.hehe..oh yeah and one guy. anyone knows how to view sent messages? i'm just so sick and tired of people being soooooo ego-centric, oh and pls from now on, let's refer to bad guys as frogs not pigs. i have a pet pig named bubba and he means the world to me.

Currently listening to Corr's Runaway. Best buds stat msg on ym is "this heart, it beats, beats for only you". the line from Neyo's song is my mantra for the day "I'm too fly to be depressed." My brother was singing "mabuhay lahat ng single" before I went out of the house. My classmate Yuuri keeps on playing Mariah's I stay inlove with you, IN DIFFERENT TONES. now somebody just polluted the airwaves with Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck Without You. Music is a part of every human being's life. But that's not what I'll be talking about.

Ever had that feeling like you're being watched or stalked? This will sound very very weird, but this afternoon while I was about to take my siesta, there was a huge moth flying around me. It looked creepy and how I wish I charged my digicam so I could've taken a shot of it. It was brown and had big black eyes. Imagine? Then later this evening, I noticed the same lizard I've been eyeing on for the past couple of days, crawling or should I say hanging out , outside my windows. Then in a matter of minutes while I was dressing up, seriously, the lizard was in front of me (only it was still on my window outside). Then the moth flew around me again. Am I starting to sound pathetic? Oh well. I feel as if I'm surrounded by people I know in the form of insects...

*starbuck's signature hot choco tastes bitter than usual*

Ok, tonight I'll be watching New Moon with my best bud. I don't know why but I feel like dressing up big time and I've been dying to wear this almost see through blouse that I haven't worn in awhile because my mom keeps on telling me how it's too suggestive. (And I honestly don't know what suggestion can a blouse say.) I don't know, maybe it's because I'll be seeing Edward again and I won't be my usual self again for the next couple of days. I remember watching Twilight last year w/ fiance, it was the first screening in Hawaii, midnight of the 20th, 4 cinemas were showing it and everyone stood in line from 8pm 'til they opened the doors at 11pm. I was running the scenes in my head and anticipating that the movie will be exactly like the book. After the movie I figured, not bad, though some parts were left out. Anyway, my illussion happened after watching clips on youtube. Its interesting that some people have different picks on who's going to play who. Then, it happened. I saw a clip. It was not really that significant, the scenes were normal, it was the song.. I was so..entranced. "You are my life now, can't you see?..I'll cross oceans, I'd swim seas..to be with you, that's enough for me." It was for Edward, but the title was really "Bella's Lullabye". And the part that amazes me is that, the song is under 3 minutes, yet I can't memorize it. Kase i have a thing for memorizing songs, they lose their appeal to me once I have them memorized. Like there's nothing special about it anymore because I can already sing it in my sleep, and backwards. So then, an obsession started. Whenever I see sycamores or really tall pine trees up above the mountains, I keep on looking for any sign of Edward standing on one of the trees. I also imagine him sitting on a chair inside my room by my bedside, watching me sleep, so I really place a chair beside my bed. On New Year's Eve, Paramount had a party and Rob Pattinson was gonna be there. It costs $250 for you to see him and some stars. I was tempted. But I didn't go. I realized, it was really Edward that I was after. And Rob, he's just another guy, shallow, can't even answer straight in his interviews. The real Edward is my name without a face. A myth I have to believe in. He isn't real. I can't make him real...

See how powerful music is? XP

i just want to make a correction. the title of the song i was listening to at yesterday's entry: EVERYBODY HERE WANTS YOU. haaay..

can you meet me halfway? i want you want you so bad.

alright, I've to lighten up. Just bruised my right knuckles punching the floor..for someone who never had to work all her life, being treated like an incompetent/unhelpful being by someone whose a thousand miles away from you and asking for a credit, is waaaaaay too much. now let me quote some random lines from people I encounter everyday. This post will be about unzipping your pants, unbuttoning you rblouse, blowing your nose and unhooking yor bra (for girls), in short this is a breather.

*the song, meet me halfway, i can't get enough of it specially the guy part after fergie's first solo part? it's so..moving. like if my guy sings it to me i'd definitely pull him right at a corner. waaaaah (happy thoughts..)

*kung walang bobo sa mundo-wala tayong trabaho! - Levi

*asawa nga nasusulot, gf/bf pa kaya?- Levi

*how come eggs get laid all the time?- Ron

*stop breathing my air!- Kim

*mama. koko. (loko)- baby Cia

*maluwag yan, maluwag, pasok lang ng pasok para sumikip. hahahahaha!-manong kundoktor

*ang galing, they're starting to name streets in Chinese.-Dimas (referring to Ped Xing at Roxas Blvd.)

*guy to barista: miss can i have some splendid pls? barista: sir? guy: the sweetener? hello? barista: ah splenda sir. guy: yun nga.- guy at starbucks

That's just a few. I'm running out of time now and about to go. Best bud will pick me up to get tickets for new moon.. Fiance sent an email complaining that he cannot reach my phone. And no one was answering our landline number. He was calling at 12mn, hello? Even the guard was asleep. tsk.

thanks to everyone who gave their hisses.

i'm frustrated. i have a pretty neat life and from above, i know that my angels are saying "everything may seem messed up but you're doing just fine." but here's the thing..it's been 11 months, 11 months since i last touched, saw, smelled and felt HIM. the one responsible for my sanity, the functioning of my brain, my heartbeats, my will to get up, and the proof that I'm alive. And because of that, this entry will be for all the days I caressed myself, closed me eyes and filled my thoughts of every move he made before, under the sheets, in our own little world.

1. he took me to the hospital when i raptured my eardrum, (cleaning w/ swabs).

2. he holds my hand on boat rides to prevent me from jumping off.

3. he sings to me when i ride infront of his bicycle to get my mind off when people stare at us.

4. he gives me his shirt to wipe my tears & cold when i start to miss my parents. he usually uses his hands when the shirt is soaked already.

5. he gave me the whole twilight books collection.

6. he pretended i was pregnant to get first in line at the grocery coz we were running late for class.

7. he prepared a meal for me when I couldn't chew my food because of a virus infection.

8. in relation to #7, he still called me beautiful though my face was swelling and my eyes were all red and watery.

9. he gave me a 3 fake black roses w/ a message "i will love you untill the roses die."

10. he carried me to my dorm room when i fainted in his car.

11. he throws stones at my dorm window and yells outside everyday so we could have breakfast,lunch, dinner and go to work together.

12. he sends flowers to my mom during occassions and emails my dad just to ask how they are.

13. he walks me to the beach when I'm sad.

14. he searched the whole town when he couldn't contact me, and it was raining.

15. he threw me a birthday party at the beach, at exactly 12 midnight.

16. he's willing to give up everything to be with me for eternity.

and now I'm too drained to type anything anymore. I could give thousands of reasons why he's the one.....

it is indeed unlikely of me to post two entries for a day. not since i was still seeing a shrink, my first one.

anyway, I was just thinking, who will you choose between the one who makes you happy, and the reason for all your emotions?